Ninja Defensive Technique 1 of 1

Ninja Defensive Technique 1 of 1
The only defense against Ninja...

Sunday, 22 January 2012

New Pet

Hello boys, girls and other (there's always one).

I am back, albeit for a probably brief time. Very brief in fact. Mr Ninja has been supremely busy with life and has been doing many exciting things which I have no intention of sharing with you.

I am sharing a little info on my new pet monkey Mr Tom-Tom.

I was on a mission deep in the jungles of Kalimantan, on the hunt for a gang of pirates that had been terrorising a group of warrior-nuns that live over there (the pirates had also been doing stuff I do not agree with, but that's a longer story). I had been tracking them for several hours when I eventually came to their base of up-turned milk crates. I was ready to dispatch them in a heart beat - not mine, obviously. Ninjas don't have hearts to beat. My eagerness was met, however, with a problem. I'd been beaten to it. Recently too.

That was when I heard a splashing sound some distance away. I sprinted towards it, brushing leaves, ferns and whole trees away with a deft whip of my razor-sharp hands and arrived just in time to see a final pirate pass from this life to . . . well, the eternal emptiness beyond it. All at the hands of Mr Tom-Tom. I just thought to myself, "I've gotta have him".

Obviously, he still has a little way to go before he's a proper ninja monkey - for a start, he can't be getting all depressed about killing! He will learn with time to be completely cold, impassionate and calculating. It's probably just some strange, teenage monkey-phase, right?

Anyway, that's my news for now.

Kill you later!

N.


Friday, 4 March 2011

T-Shirt Ninjas Are Real

As mentioned in the below post, there are literally millions of very good reasons to use a t-shirt as an improvised ninja mask.

Perhaps you were out of time to prepare properly? You would be surprised how often an assassination opportunity pops up last minute.

Possibly you were just walking down the street in your normal attire, and saw a pirate and so had to improvise quickly in order to eviscerate effectively (you my want to write that down as a mantra - Improvise Quickly in Order to Eviscerate Effectively).

Potentially you were simply 'caught short' and so, to avoid embarrassment, had to do something to hide your face, and hide your shame.

Regardless, here below are instructions on the manufacture of a quick t-shirt ninja mask. No charge. Please note that this goon is not me, and that I in no way support this haircut - just the ability he has to construct a viable ninja mask, on the cheap. I guess it takes all sorts.





Now, get on with it people. But don't even begin to kid yourself into thinking you're cool now.

The Enemy

And so at last we come to the ninjas' natural enemy, and how to spot him/her/it. I am, of course, talking about the pirate.

Imagine if you will, or rather, whether you like it or not, a mirror. But this mirror is no normal mirror - oh no! No self-respecting ninja would own such a gaudy bauble. A ninja know what he looks like. He looks like a ninja which is, in nearly every case, why he is called a ninja. This mirror that you are imagining is magic.

"How so?" I hear you ask.

"It's quite simple," I respond, eloquently.

"Pray tell," you request.

"OK," I promise, articulately. Hard to do with a word like 'OK', but then I am a ninja.

The magic mirror in question's special power is to show the viewer's reflection as the polar opposite of whatever is should show.

Are you fat? Your reflection will appear thin. Are you tall? Your reflection will appear short. Are you Thom Yorke? Your reflection will appear as Justin Bieber. And then crack. And then burst into flames. And then the ash will evaporate into nothingness in an attempt to rid itself of the shame - but there are some shames that cannot be erased.

A moment of silence is required while we ponder this fact.

...

Back to the magic mirror, which for no particular reason I am now going to start calling George. When a ninja looks at George, what do you think he will see?


And no, he will not see the Disney version:



Two more:

Especially the one on the left, but especially the one on the right. But mostly the one on the left.

Now, I should not, dear friends (lowly, unworthy disciples), have to point out how utterly ridiculous these . . . things; these . . . affront to human decency are. For the love of God and sonny Jesus LOOK AT THEM!! You're grown men, for goodness sakes - especially you on the left! You couldn't be more grown!

I'm just so disappointed. And so is George.

Let me make this clearer with a diagram which I have certainly not stolen from the internet.



See? No decision really.


Let me finish by saying this. None of you are ninja. Nor is it likely you will ever be. You are at best 'wannabes' - a pale, jealous echo of your own desire; an infinitesimal speck of envious imitation. You're probably sitting there right now, thinking "I am a proper ninja" but actually wearing a t-shirt on your head instead of a proper mask - something for which there is absolutely, completely, totally, unequivocally, utterly, categorically and unquestionably no excuse (instructions on creating t-shirt masks to follow in the next blog post, above). However, I need you to do something for me, and so . . . sigh . . . I have to say something nice to get you to do it.


I guess you're OK, if you're reading this.


Now that uncomfortable moment is over, shut your cake-hole and pay attention. Pirates are bad. They must be avoided at all cost. Nothing about them is cool, hip, groovy or circular (assuming that's the opposite of being 'square'). If you see one walking down the street - or hobbling (peg-legs!) - you should do your utmost to destroy them. I hate to ask such a pathetic ignoramus to do a ninja's job, but seriously . . . do you have any idea how many pirates there are in the world. And beware! for they do not all look like the images about. Without my mask, I am still a ninja; just so, without his eyepatch, a pirate is still a pirate. It's all about mindset. So if you think you know a pirate, but s/he doesn't look completely like one, kill them anyway. If you're right, you got rid of one. If you're wrong, you'll never have to worry about bills or were your next meal is coming from again - because the government will pay for everything!




Do it for George.

Tuesday, 22 February 2011

Mr Ninja's Brief Absenteeism

Mr Ninja would like to apologise for his short period of absenteeism - but he's not actually going to do it (because apologising is a most un-ninja think to do). He has been both ill with The Dengue for the last two weeks, and suffering from I-can't-be-bothered-to-post-itus for the period before that.


He hopes to be back to his normal ninja self soon.

Wednesday, 3 February 2010

Obscure Ninja Fact #39

Ninja don't believe in God.

Unless you include Chuck Norris in that category. (But for the love of Chuck, don't let him hear you talk so low of him).

...

LEARN

...

Obscure Ninja Fact #56

Ever heard the phrase to kill you with a look? Where do you think that comes from?

Yup. Ninja.

...

LEARN

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Ninja Ride

Please observe the vehicle below:


Now, I realise that this may seem like a strange machine to have on a ninja-based blog, but consider the following...

Over here in Jakarta, Indonesia there is something of a problem with traffic. I say something of a problem, not because the situation is in a state of 'not quite there' but because it has cruised through 'not quite there', and positively sailed through the actually 'there' state. It is no situated so far beyond the other side of 'there' as to only be connected by a vague memory.

With that clarified, there have been a number of ways that the people of Jakarta have tried to deal with this. First, everyone buys a motorbike instead, partially influenced by the fact most people can't afford more. Actually, that's what Indonesians call them. The rest of the world calls them scooters - never more that about 125cc.

As nobody can drive over here (driving tests being no more than a successful negotiation of the bribe), there are the occasional dings or fender benders. As nobody has insurance, this generally means a lot of money to be paid fixing things up. So those who can afford to, buy great big 4x4s, or people carriers so as to get away with damaging the other guy more, and if not less damage themselves, then at least more damage dealt than received. Smug sense of satisfaction received.

Into this mix, add the awesome idea that the Indo government had, of closing one in every three lanes to replace it with a bus only lane. Great idea. Or it would be only if it were always filled end to end with buses (it's not).

Then there are the various additional modes of public transport, which don't really require talking about beyond the normal sized buses which literally have to race one another in order to be able to get enough people on board to fill their quotas, and pay for the rental of the bus. All of which are 3rd or 4th hand from ex-Communist Blok countries, and help together with sealant. Just. Oh, and they stop and start seemingly at random, but really whenever it is most inconvenient; apparently oblivious to the fact other vehicle occupy the roads.

A similar situation exists for the angkot. It is probably best to think of them as a kind of mini-bus. They have an almost identical mindset to the bus drivers, except they are infinitely greater risk takers, because they think they are the size of a scooter. They are almost lays in the form of a Suzuki Carry (as the picture above). Usually they have been taken apart and put together again - poorly - about 50 times. They are usually about 20 years old. They are usually full of so much filler and sealant, as for it to be a fair suggestion to say that it is this, held together by small scraps of original panel, that form the shell. It is to them I wish to make a report.

I hate them, as any right thinking person should. But as a ninja...

You have to give them credit for their sheer courage and violent viciousness. You see, these little things have been made into a relatively well-camouflaged tank. To see one, you'd think they would fall apart under the ferocity of even the average 3 year-olds glare (this may be a slur on 3 years-olds, I have met several I find to be quite terrifying). But they take a daily, nay, hurly beating and survive to fight another day, or hour.

Then you have the modifications. Usually this can be split into two categories. Protective or defensive. Protective requires the removal of both bumpers, so as to avoid having to hear it smash, crash or disintegrate whenever something crashes into a suddenly stopped angkot. These are pansy. The defensive requires the owner to get tubular steel bars welded over the bumper, and any other available space. As tubular steel is quite tough, they can take and dish out rather a lot of damage, without risking the structure of the vehicle. These are less pansy.

Recently, I have discovered a third, non-pansy option.

I have on my trip to work, noticed the occasional large bumpered vehicle with one, two or three large holes in said bumper, from what appears to be a crash. I had wondered what had caused this carnage (yes, and fantasised about the same device colliding with a biker's shin).

The offensive angkot removes one or both bumpers, but makes an addition. Welded into the place the bumpers had been, are great big sharpened steel spikes. Made from the finest angle bars, sharpened to a point, the drivers of these machines are quite happy dealing out violence and death to anyone who gets too close, or is too slow with their emergency stops.

I have to say I agree with the mindset, as a form of Darwinian survival of the fittest. As a veteran of journeying on Jakarta's roads - for lack of a better word - I believe, like these gentlemen that anyone who cannot instinctively foresee when they with need to make a sudden stop through an innate psychic power, deserves to have their kneecaps gouged out from under the skin of their knees. It's for their own good really. So hat off to these psychotic angkot drivers. But not mask off.

Never mask off (it's a ninja thing)...